


The Letter

by Meowler



Category: Batgirl (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Under the Red Hood
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts, if you're hurting but still want to feel it a little longer, ish, sorta character exploration in there a bit, this ain't happy fellas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-30 07:49:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20093812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meowler/pseuds/Meowler
Summary: Jason didn't know what it was called. Regression, a step back, a proof that everything is fucked up and won't get better anytime soon.Y'know, the usual.





	The Letter

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, just a lil' angsty Jaysteph piece.  
I don't know if you need to hear this, but hang in there <3

Jason didn't know what it was called. Regression, a step back, a proof that everything is fucked up and won't get better anytime soon.

Y'know, the usual.

He could deal with it, been with him for two lifetimes and doesn't expect it to go away anytime soon. It's one of the messed up reasons he gets along with Steph so well.

Life fucked them over multiple times, but she didn't let it get to her, at least not for long. Now... it's been long enough that he's starting to doubt if she's been pretending to be fine all this time.

It starts the same, something to do with her past, like most people, something that resurfaces old problems that neither really have the guts to fix.

This time it was the cherry on top. Her dad, that abusive fuckhole, sent her a letter from Blackgate. Never mind that Jason doesn't even like the idea of him thinking of her, he just had to send a letter.

Steph always believed in second chances, she was hopeful, one of the many reasons she put on those tights and cape that made her look like the best damn Batgirl you've ever seen.

So she opened the letter.

At first, Jason was ready to calm Steph down from whatever anger that would burst up from her father. It never came.

Whatever was in that letter, it fucked her up and she refused to talk about it. Jason didn't know what made him more angry, the fact that she was now deep in her own shit or that he couldn't seem to fix it.

She just wasn't responding.

He even went to Dick for crying out loud. Mr. I-Make-Everything-Better himself. Only thing it changed was that Jason realized he was the only one to actually know Steph behind her smile. Others didn't know shit and they would probably rather keep it that way.

If it wasn't obvious, after the worrying phase came the frustration phase. With the others, with her dad, with himself and most embarrassingly, with her.

Why wouldn't she talk to him? She was her usual self with the others, even if they only knew one version of her.

Why was he being shut out when he was the closest one to her? How did that make any sense?

After the frustration phase came the hopeful phase. If she wasn't willing to talk to him and he couldn't do anything to help her, he could only hope that she'll come back through on her own.

Supporting her, not directly - since he already tried that, but with silent offers from afar.

His phone was always on for her, he tried to be there when she came back from school and have something ready to eat, he made the others back off when they finally noticed something wasn't right.

He gives her affection and hugs when she needs it and gives her space when she doesn't. The latter happening more often lately.

Fuck.

Gritting his teeth, he parked his bike next to their building. Here he was worrying about his goddamn relationship status when Steph was in her own personal world of pain. Some man he was.

The food from her favorite Indian place was dangling from his fingertips when he halted at the door.

What if he was just doing all these nice gestures so he wouldn't lose her? Was he more afraid of losing her then making sure of her well being?

He shoved the door open, hearing from his left one of the shows Steph now saw without actually seeing.

What matters more? The gesture or the reason behind the gesture?

With a sigh, he placed the plastic bag on their small table.

"Hey Stephie."

A small hum greeted him. She was curled up on her usual position, at the edge of the sinking couch, knees beneath her chin and hands tenting her nose and mouth, covering her vitals.

"Brought Indian... The Demon says hi by the way."

The plate was midway to the table when she suddenly responded.

"I- Jay can I ask you something?" Her voice was cautious and small and it made Jason freeze. Then jump to action.

"Sure," He stood by the couch, gripping the head to support himself, "You want me to stand or…" He was being stupid but fuck it, "…Sit? What's up Steph?"

"Uhm, whatever…" She repositioned herself on the couch to face his direction, her eyes never made contact though.

Restless, he decided to end the stupid possible cycle of 'No-Whatever-_You_-Want' and sit down, his fingers tapping a hasty beat on his jeans.

The silence stretched out and Jason, for all he cared, might be nervous all for nothing, nobody said she's gonna talk about what's bothering her, nobody said that this is the moment things are gonna start getting better.

"Do you remember that uh, that letter I got from Blackgate?"

How could he fucking forget. "Yeah, why?" He inwardly cringed from his restlessness.

Her mouth hung in a little 'o' as she stared at him, for once meeting his eyes before looking away. "Just…" She sighed and rubbed her eyes, deciding to just come out and say it, "He died, my dad I mean."

"Oh."

Now that he knew the cause for all this he didn't know how to react. Sorry that your abusive father, but still father, died in jail? "Steph, I'm sorr--"

She shook her head, her eyes glossy and eyebrows worried, "That's not what I mean. He just, he just _died_ Jason, just stopped out of nowhere."

"Stephie I get it--"

"No you _don't._"

He halted.

She rubbed her eyes, tears streaming down her face, "He," she swallowed and Jason's heart broke out for her, "He doesn't get a second chance now," she croaked, "He's always gonna be the bad guy now, how is he gonna be better if he's dead?"

Shit.

Jason tucked her in his arms, feeling the sudden warmth of tears.

"I - I want him to be good, Jason how is he gonna do that now?" She sobbed. "He did so many _fucking_ things, but he could've still changed it, now he's always gonna be my shitty dad."

Jason was at loss for words, he stroked her hair.

"And I know," she pushed away, hiccuping at their hands, "I know you believe he deserved it, I know that," She croaked, "but if he deserved it," She looked up, catching all focus, "Then what about _me?_"

Fuck no. "Stephanie," She dropped her gaze, "Steph, no, look at me," He lifted her head in his hands, "You don't deserve to die, you never did and you won't ever, you're too good Steph you hear me? You're too good…"

She kept shaking her head, her lower lip quivering from where she bit it, "no," She whispered and before he could say anything else she got up from the couch, holding herself.

"I've _killed_ Jason!" Her eyes were frantic, "That fucking gang war that wouldn't have happened if I just wasn't so fucking stupid! Innocent lives were lost, _kids_ died in the crossfire Jason. How is that any better then my dad? How is that any better then the drug dealers who sell to kids, how am I any better?"

"Because yours was an accident." He leveled her with a serious looked that hid his concern.

"When the dealers say that, when they say they didn't know they were kids, do you still let 'em live?"

Jason swallowed, they both knew the answer. _You should've made sure, Asshole_.

"You do good now Steph, every time you go out on patrol and way more then that."

Steph laughed from despair, "What if you didn't know me? What if I didn't become batgirl but you knew what I did to start the gang war, would you off me too?" Her eyes were searching and Jason had to stop because he saw genuine fear in them.

"Steph, I would never do anything to hurt you." _You know that_.

"Why? Because we're together or because I'm not that bad of a person?"

Jason got up, "Does it matter? The reality is that I love you and I would never hurt you!"

"Yes! Jason it does!" She cried, "Don't avoid the question! I can't live with myself knowing that I'm horrible like this, that even _you_ wouldn't have me alive. I just can't."

In a moment, her head was against his shaky shoulder and Jason was holding her close, trying to keep his tears from falling on her, they would just make her think she was right.

"Steph, I would die and fucking go through the pit again to keep you safe." He kissed her hair, "Please Steph," another kiss, "Please," he knew what he was begging for, they both did, he just couldn't say it aloud, so he kept kissing her hair, tasting salt from his eyes.

"I love you so much." She shook her head, "I'm so, so sorry." She pushed herself away, She wiped her eyes and nose with her shirt, "I'm so sorry…" She quietly sobbed.

"No, Steph, please…" _Don't leave me_.

He couldn't. He was hiccuping and the tears were making his neck itch. "Please…"

She was at the door, her back shielding her face but he could still hear the muffled sobs.

_If You're crying then why are you leaving me_.

"I'm sorry." Her eyes were puffy and red, "I just, I have to go. I'm so sorry." She left.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want, I'd love to hear what you think.
> 
> Until next time  
<3


End file.
